What the ... pretentious idiot?!?!?

Writing about the twat who didn't like what I had to say about Blood Money reminded of other internet heroes I have encountered over the years. I still have email from one particularly pretentious moron who went by the name of Michael Page.

It was the late 90's and I had a personal web page up. It wasn't the greatest but I made it and it was mine. One section I had was about Canada. The preamble of the section mentioned that Canada had been declared the best country in the world to live in, 4 times in a row at that point, and I said that in my estimation it was the best place to live. Mr. Page, or that dumb yank as I referred to him when talking with friends, took umbrage with that and sent me the following email.

Date: Sat, 27 Jun 1998 11:54:42 -0400

From: Michael Page

Subject: Best Country in the World

I came across your web page and couldn't help but notice you proclaiming Canada to be the best country in the world. I recently did some calculations in order to decide which country can really be considered the best country in the world. I took into account close to a dozen factors including crime, unemployment, infant mortality rate, life expectancy plus many others. As it turns out Canada is really not the best country in the world but is rather the 4th greatest country in the world. Japan and Australia came in first and second. I included a small spreadsheet to better illustrate this.

Please change the wording on your home page from saying "The greatest country in the word" to "The forth greatest country in the world" when talking about Canada in order to be accurate. I also included a small graphic file which you can place on your site, to more accurately describe Canada.

Thanks for your cooperation in this matter, and I will check back in order to see that you followed through.

Michael Page

And yes, he actually did include a spreadsheet showing his calculations along with a banner he made saying "Canada: Forth Best Country in the World."

My first thought was that one of my friends was trying to take the piss out of me. If it was meant that way it would have been hilarious. Upon checking into it I discovered that Mr. Page was a real twat and not someone trying to get a laugh. He was a rabid American Nationalist who didn't seem to like Canada, took himself very seriously, and expected everyone else to as well. A few sites I visited at the time got similarly pretentious emails and posts from him "correcting" them and often waving the US flag.

Of course I felt obliged to send him a reply.

Mr. Page

I guess I should start this letter off by thanking you. No matter how often the stereotypes of the arrogant and stupid American start to fade there is always some pompous, self-important twit around to bring them back to life. You sir, are that twit.

First off, you seem to have not read everything I said. I stated that in my estimation Canada is the best country in the world. Of course, I should have known that the big words would have eluded some people, especially those with an American education. Hell, you couldn't even spell fourth properly in the little banner you sent me. Fourth would represent fourth place. Forth, as you misspelled fourth, is an adverb which means onward in place or time, forward. Unless you were referring to the Firth of Forth in Scotland. As I said, an American education.

I guess it is up to me to explain the meaning of estimation to you. In the context I used it, estimation means "in my opinion" Canada is the best in the world. (I will add a link to a dictionary site for you at the end of this just so you don't stay confused.) Opinion, you know, it is something everyone has. You have yours and I have mine. As I also stated, the United Nations felt the same way about Canada for the last four years as well (1994-1997). But of course, their data must be wrong when compared with yours. Ah yes, the arrogant, stupid American. How well the World knows your type.

It is one thing to say to a person that their facts may be wrong. However, it is another to intimate that their opinions are wrong, and that they should not have that opinion. Then to say that they have to change them just because your opinion is different. While you may dispute the facts the U.N. used in making their decision (which you did not once say you were doing, you were challenging my comment, my opinion), you have no control over a persons opinion. My OPINION is that Canada is the best country in the world. Your opinion may be different, but then again, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Yours just seems to stink more than most.

Somehow you also manage to take your arrogance, and stupidity to yet a higher level. You end your letter by telling me you will check back to make sure I "followed through". As if I would change anything based on the ramblings of some dumb yank. It isn't as if you said, 'Hey i can understand what you are saying, maybe you should take a look at this (your data) and see what you think'. Instead you basically told me to change what my webpage says, and you expect me to not only do what you said, but be grateful you contacted me. Your 'figures' could show that blue cheese is on the moon, that doesn't diminish my right to my opinion that Canada is the best country to live in. Maybe Margaret Atwood was on to something when she wrote that the national illness of America is megalomania. You sure seem to be self-absorbed enough to fit that mould.

Take care old chap, and do keep up the good work of perpetuating, and preserving those stereotypes. For an online dictionary try (link to Webster's online). While it is not the Gage Canadian Dictionary, it should help you understand those big words that seem to confuse you.

Flint

For some reason I never heard from Mr. Page again. I don't think he liked my reply. What can I say, I never cared for pretentious twats like him and I still don't. Although they do provide some amusement.